__________Living In A World Of Confusions----------

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

\Well I'm finally back!//

The Thailand trip was simply rather fun to say the least, with too many attractions and ammenities to keep me enthralled.Together with the late-night drinking sessions and suppers, not to mention crazy ice-cream binges at unearthly hours, makes coming back to Singapore an act of reluctance.There's simply too much shopping left undone with too many unfinished business.However the mood to shop is really lacking, due to a disastrous attempt to capture that elusive gold medal.Sitting through the competition finals was pure torture, so I excused myself to take some time to cool down outside the concert hall.Seeing other bands taking one step closer to the coveted prize, with memories of our own failures and the reaction of some people made me feel depressed.Just then,Dr Lee appeared behind me and confided that he is feeling so incompetent. After hearing these words, I was on the verge of breaking down in tears again, but I managed to control my emotions. Seeing a conductor blame himself for his student's misdeeds is simply a sad situation.I mean he had already done his best, whereas we have yet to show our sense of dedication to the band. I feel so very guilty the moment we were eliminated. I am angry with myself for being incompetent in my musical skills, my terrible attitude, and my lack of practice in my secondary school days. I think I should be held mainly responsible for this very tragedy of the band, for I made too many mistakes. I really feel that my section would be much better off without me, achieving a better standard of music playing.Maybe I shouldn't even go for the SYF, for I would only be disappointing more and more people.I have already greatly disappointed the two people whom I love most, and its just too late to say sorry anymore. I feel like a total failure. Well, I guess its time to turn to that bottle of vodka to ease my troubles a little now....I just have to inch myself out of this mess regardless of how agonising it is, be strong in this time of peril, for too many things will have to be dependant on me.

I'm Confused|11:30 PM|

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